Watch Out
for a Date’s Signs of Future Abuse
http://www.sylviasplace.com/signs.html
"Many
people are interested in signs to predict whether they are about to become
involved with someone who will be abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that
are seen in people who abuse their partners.
If
the person has several of these behaviors (three or more) there is a strong
potential for violence in the relationship. The more signs a person has, the
more likely the person is an abuser. In some cases, an abuser may have only a
couple of behaviors that the partner can recognize, but they are very
exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her
love and concern, and a partner may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the
behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the
partner)."
Jealousy:
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is
a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of
possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the partner about
who s/he talks to, accuse the partner of flirting, or be jealous of time s/he
spends with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser
may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive partner
may refuse to let their partner work or even volunteer for services like Red
Cross for fear she will meet someone else. The abuser may check car mileage or
your cell phone for calls and text-messages in his absence.
Controlling
Behavior: At first, the abuser will say this behavior is because he is
concerned for the victim's safety, she needs to use her time well, or she needs
to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the partner is
"late" coming back from the store or an appointment. The abuser will
question the partner closely about where she went, whom she talked to. As this
behavior worsens, the abuser may not let the partner make personal decisions
about the house, what to wear, or going to church. The abuser may keep all the
money or even make the partner ask permission to leave the house or room.
Unrealistic
Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs;
he expects the partner to be the perfect spouse, parent, lover, friend. The
abusive partner will say things like "If you love me," "I am all
you need" or "You are all I need." That victim is supposed to
take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
Isolation:
The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all resources. If the
victim has friends of the opposite sex, she is "fooling around." If
she has same sex friends, she is "homosexual." If she is close to
family, she is "tied to the apron strings." The abuser accuses people
who are of support to the victim of "causing trouble." The abuser may
want to live in the country without a phone, he may not let their partner use a
car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the victim from
working or going to school.
Blames
Others For Problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed or
getting in
trouble all the time at work, someone is always doing him wrong, or is out to
get him. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the partner for upsetting
him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell the
partner she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames
Others for Feelings: An abuser will tell the partner "you make me
mad," "you are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,"
" I can not help being angry." He really makes the decision about what
he thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the partner. Harder to
catch are claims that "you make me happy," "you control how I
feel."
Hypersensitivity:
An abuser is easily insulted, and will claim his feelings are "hurt"
when really he is very mad or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal
attacks. The abusive partner will "rant and rave" about the injustice
of things that have happened that are really just part of living like being
asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is
annoying, being asked to help with chores.
Quick
Involvement: Many victims of domestic violence dated or knew their abuser for
less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. The
abusive partner comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "you are the only
person I could ever talk to," "I have never felt loved like this by
anyone." He will pressure the potential partner to commit to the
relationship in such a way that later the partner may feel very guilty or that
she is "letting them down" if she wants to slow down involvement or
break it off.
Cruelty
to Animals or Children: Abusers may punish animals brutally or be
insensitive
to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable for doing
things beyond their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting a diaper) or he
may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may
not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in their room all
evening while he is home.
"Playful"
Use of Force in Sex: This kind of person may like to throw the partner down and
hold her down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the
partner is helpless. The abuser is letting the partner know that the idea of
rape is exciting. He may show little concern about whether the partner wants to
have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The
abuser may start having sex with the partner while she is sleeping, or demand
sex when she is ill or tired.
Verbal
Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful,
this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner, cursing her, running
down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the partner that she is
stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the partner
up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
Dr.
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many victims are confused by their abuser's
"sudden" changes in mood - they may think the abuser has some special
mental problem because one minute he is nice and the next he is exploding.
Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and
these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
Past
Battering: This person may say he has hit others in the past, but they
made him do
it. The partner may hear from relatives or ex-intimate partners that the person
is abusive. An abuser will beat any partner they are with if the partner is
with him long enough for the violence to begin.
Threats
of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control
the partner: "I'll slap your mouth off," "I will kill you,"
"I will break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates,
but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like
that."
Breaking
or Striking Objects: This behavior maybe used as a punishment (breaking loved
possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the partner into submission. The
abuser may beat on the table with his fist, throw objects around or near the
partner. Again, this is very remarkable behavior - not only is this a sign of
extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks
they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.
Any
Force During an Argument: This may involve a batterer holding the partner down,
physically restraining her from leaving the room, and pushing or shoving. They
may hold the victim against the wall and say "you are going to listen to
me!"
Rigid Sex
Roles: The abuser expects the partner to serve them; the abuser may say the
partner must stay at home, that she must obey in all things - even things that
are criminal in nature. In heterosexual relationships, the abuser will see
women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to
be a whole person without a relationship.
Journal
and record everything your abuser does. Report everything to the Police.
Nothing is to small to report and remember, keep a record and tell a friend.
YOU MAY BE
IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
http://www.gainesville.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050628/DAYBREAK/50627045/1015/living
Gets
extremely jealous or possessive.
Accuses you
of flirting or cheating.
Constantly
checks up on you or makes you check in.
Tells you
how to dress.
Tries to
control what you do or who you see.
Tries to
keep you from seeing or talking to friends or family.
Has big
mood swings, being angry and loud one minute and sweet and apologetic the next.
Makes you
feel nervous or like you're walking on eggshells.
Puts you
down and makes you feel as if you can't do anything right or that nobody else
would want to be with you.
Threatens
to hurt you, your family or friends.
Threatens
to commit suicide or hurt himself or herself because of you.
Threatens
to hurt your pets or destroy your things.
Yells,
grabs, pushes, shoves, shakes, punches, slaps, holds you down, throws things or
hurts you in any way.
Breaks or
throws things when you argue.
Pressures or forces you to have sex or go further
than you want to.
Newsday
Jessica
Wickiewicz was a pudgy 13-year-old and he was a hockey goalie with
crystal-clear blue eyes. While other kids made fun of her, he said he thought
she was beautiful.
They started dating in seventh grade. He started
hitting her their senior year.
It
began gradually. He'd yell at her,
accuse her of flirting with other guys and harp on the shortness of her
cheerleading skirt. Then he started punching her, kicking her and pulling her
hair, ordering her around and cutting her off from her friends. Sometimes he'd
force her to have sex. After some of the harshest blows, he'd go to her with
apologies and flowers.
She
blamed her bruises on the rigors of
cheerleading and hid them under baggy jeans and sweatshirts. And she never told
anyone. ''My own mother didn't know,'' says Wickiewicz, of Garden City, N.Y.,
now 28. ''It was all a big secret.''
Even
though it happened to Wickiewicz a
decade ago, experts in domestic violence agree that teens are increasingly
finding themselves in abusive, sometimes violent, dating relationships and the
problem is bigger than most people know.
Dr.
Jill Murray, a licensed
psychotherapist in Laguna Nigel, Calif., views the problem as ''epidemic.''
''We
know that one in three girls will
be in a physically abusive relationship by the time she graduates high
school,'' says Murray, who wrote ''But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen
Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships'' (Regan Books, $13).
''We know that many, many more than that are in an emotionally or verbally
abusive relationship. I don't know of any disease that affects such a large
number of people.''
Part
of the problem is that when people
talk about domestic violence, they usually envision older perpetrators and
victims. But those who study youth say that teens are engaging in verbal,
emotional, physical and sexual abuse with their dating partners.
While
girls are more likely to report
abuse, they aren't the only victims. Studies show that one in five boys will
experience some form of violence in a relationship before graduating from high
school, but researchers point out that they are less likely than girls to
report being hit or called names because they don't see it as serious or
hurtful or they want to save face.
Late
last month, a Gallup Youth Survey
of 13- to 17-year-olds reported that one in eight teens knows someone in an
abusive relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Abuse
doesn't have to be hitting.
Name-calling and put-downs are examples of verbal abuse. Emotional abuse can
involve threatening, intimidating or isolating another.
Physical
abuse can run the gamut from
pinching to pushing to punching. Sexual abuse can include making unwanted
sexual comments, contact or gestures, as well as forcing sex.
''It's
a pattern of behavior where one
has more control and is using that to control another person,'' says Karen
Gillespie, who coordinates the school-based abuse prevention program of 180
Turning Lives Around, a nonprofit based in Hazlet, N.J. ''It continues and will
typically get worse over time.''
Why
is this happening? Some say parents
haven't done enough to teach the difference between healthy and unhealthy
relationships. Others say it's the result of TV, movies, video games and music
that promote violence and objectify women.
These
are complicated times for young
people, says Stephanie Nilva, director of Breaking the Cycle New York, a
chapter of a national legal services organization that provides prevention and
intervention to youths 12 to 22 involved in dating abuse and domestic violence.
''Their
identities aren't really formed.
They're in their very first relationships and are exposed to many negative
messages,'' she says. ''It can be very difficult for teens to identify what's
safe and healthy during a particularly confusing stage in their development.''
Even
if a boyfriend or girlfriend is
hurting them, Nilva says, many youths forego legal protection because they
don't want to involve the police or criminal court.
''Many
teens don't want to punish their
abusers in the criminal system,'' she adds, ''so they simply remain in
danger.''
That's
why it's critical that the people
in a young person's life become educated about the issue of teen dating
violence, know the warning signs and are aware of how any sudden changes in
behavior can indicate trouble, experts say.
Is
the teen spending more time than
usual in the bedroom?
Spending
less time with friends? Is
there a change in their group of friends or their style of dress? Do you see
any unusual marks on their necks or arms, signs of depression or aggressive
behavior?
If
any of these signs are present, it's
time for a talk, says Ellen deLara, who teaches social work at Syracuse
University and co-authored ''And Words Can Hurt Forever: How to Protect
Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment and Emotional Violence'' (Simon &
Schuster, $25). Intervening is the best preventive measure for violence, she
says.
''Left
to their own immature devices for
navigating relationships,'' she adds, ''their solutions are often rash and
impulsive.''
Parents
and adults can't do all the
work; young people also need to know how to identify whether a prospective
boyfriend or girlfriend could become abusive, says Mary Pender Greene, chief of
social work services at the Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services,
which runs teen dating violence workshops in New York City.
Some
questions to ask might include:
Does the person seem too good to be true? Come from a violent family? Get angry
and scream or throw things? Have a criminal record? Abuse drugs and alcohol?
Hate their mother or father? Was he or she abusive in previous relationships?
''As parents, it's important to teach our children to interview prospective
mates,'' she says. ''You want to know more than the fact that he's (or she's)
cute.''
Wickiewicz,
a resident hall manager at
Adelphi University, says she broke up with her boyfriend when she was a
sophomore in college, where she found help in a counseling and support group
for victims of abuse and sexual assault.
She
says she now wishes she had also
listened to friends, her mother and her own inner voice telling her to get away
from her abusive ex. Today, she tries to pass along the lessons she learned by
sharing her story with students.
''It's
just my way of trying to help,''
she says.
And
she's happily dating a man she met
in grade school - a testament that you can survive abuse and go on to find a
healthy, loving relationship.
''.
. . And while we can never forget
it,'' she adds, ''we can move on.''
