A retiree is questioned by his doctor, “Why do you have a suppository in your ear?’
“Oh, now I know where my hearing aide went!”exclaimed
the man.
What's
the difference between a pigeon and a bankrupt attorney?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes!
One day a first grade teacher
was telling a story to her class. (The
three little pigs) Every now and again she would ask her class questions about
the book. She came to the point when the first pig asked for some straw to
build his house "What do you think the man replied to the pigs
question?"
Little Billy was the first person to put his hand up. "Yes
Billy." said the teacher.
Billy said, "Holy shit! A talking pig!"
http://www.freewebs.com/jokesworld/qualityjokes.htm
Two Nuns were told to paint a room and if
they got even a drop of paint on their robes then they will be banished from
the group forever! The Nuns then decided they would paint the room naked so
they stripped off their clothes and started painting.
30 minutes later there was a knock at the
door. "Who is it?" Asked the first nun.
"Blind man." A voice replied. The
blondes then talked for a while and decided to let him in. "Ok. You
can come in!"
The man then came in and said "Hey.
Nice tits, where shall I put the blinds?"
Vengence Is Mine!
One day a construction worker left the job a
little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man.
Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where
he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop,
stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction
worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Purchasing
a new bird
After many years of marriage, a
husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his
wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed
because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just
shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the
wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw
this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms,
beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her
fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony
bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed,
"Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off
its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a
hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some
more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the
shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife,
"If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So
she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the
husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the
game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A
Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone
replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!
What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an agnostic, and an
insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog .
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears
pierced?
Buck an ear! LOL!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a
holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan
with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces
a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall,
bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to
consult with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000,
and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Say this out loud everal tmes and
you’ll understand the reference. Lol!
Never take life too seriously!
Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!!
> > >Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada
to hunt moose.
> > >They bagged six. As they started loading the
plane for the
return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only
four moose.
> > >The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we
shot six and the
> > >pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same
plane as
> > >yours."
> > >Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were
loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle
the
load and went down a few moments after take-off.
> > >Climbing out of the wreck one Polock asked the other,
"Any idea
where we are?"
> > >"Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we
crashed last year."
LOl! Fwd by Kom448
Question: Whats the difference
between
an irish wake and an irish wedding?
Answer:one less drunk >
Typical macho man married typical good-looking
lady
and after the wedding, > he laid down the
following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at
what time I want
and I don't > expect any hassle from
you.
I expect a great dinner > to be on table
unless I
tell you that I won't be home for
dinner.
I'll go > hunting, fishing, boozing > and
card-playing
when I want with my old buddies and > don't
you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any > comments?"
> > His new bride said, "No, that's
fine with me.
Just > understand that there > will be sex
here at
seven o'clock every night > .whether you're
here or not." > >
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!) > >
************************************ >
>
> Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of
their 40th wedding > anniversary!
>
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm
getting you
a > headstone that reads: >
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
> >
"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads:
> "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At
Last" > >
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
> where do vampires learn to suck blood?
law school
The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
A woman from Texas and a woman from
New York met at a party. “Where y’all
from?”
says the Texan.
“Where I come from they don’t end
sentences
in a preposition.” says New York.
"Try again."
“Where y’all from Bitch?” came back.
What”s the difference between men and
pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they
drink!
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because
they're all pigs.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than
for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's
already there.
RECTUM > STRETCHER > > >
While she was "flying" down the road
yesterday
(10 > miles over the > > limit), a
woman passed
over a bridge only to find > a cop with a
radar >
gun on the other side lying in wait. >
> >
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,
and
with that classic > > patronizing
smirk we all know
and love, asked, > "What's your
hurry?" > >
To which she replied, "I'm late for
work." > >
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do
you do?" > >
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she
responded. > >
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher?
And > just what > does a rectum stretcher
do?" > >
"Well," she said, "I start by
inserting one finger, >
then I work my way > > up to two
fingers,
then three, then four, then > with my whole
hand in. > >
I work from side to side until I can get both
>
hands in, and then I > > slowly but surely
stretch,
until it's about 6 feet > wide." >
>
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6
foot > asshole?" he asked. > >
"You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a > bridge." >
> > Traffic Ticket $95.00 > > Court
Costs. $45.00 > >
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS!
When
I die I want to go just like grandpa, in his sleep. Not screaming like
the passengers in the car that he was driving!
> The mens
rules HA!!
Women rule..remember that Body:
The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally,
the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These
are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Shopping
is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let
us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just F*CKING say it!
1. Yes and
No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something
we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can
either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not
need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example,
is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask
what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we
have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine .... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
1. You have enough clothes. 1.
You have too
many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh ------------------------------------------------------
--- COOL FACTS!!!
Subject: How can you live without knowing these things? * The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV? Fred
and Wilma Flintstone. * Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. * Men can read smaller print better
than women can; women can hear better. * Coca-Cola was originally green. * It is impossible to lick your elbow. * The state
with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska * The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this....) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%! * The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$6,400 * The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 * Intelligent people have more zinc and
copper in their hair. * The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. * The youngest pope was 11 years
old. * The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. * The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments. * Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar * 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 * If a statue in
the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg
in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes. * Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. * "I Am." is the shortest complete
sentence in the English language. * Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. * Q. Half of
all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace * Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name? A. Obsession * Q. If you spell out numbers, how far do you have to go until you find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
* Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by
women. * Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey * Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny)
is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. * Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A.
Snoop in your medicine cabinet. * In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on
the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight". * It was the
accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called
the honey month we know today as the honeymoon. * In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "mind their own pints and quarts and settle down." It's where
we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" * Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is
the phrase inspired by this practice. * In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled "Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden"....
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. * And finally, at least 75% of people who read this will try to
lick their elbow! ------------------------------------------------------- The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men 1. What are you
thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do
if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the
man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with
possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how
lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of
the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e. How I would spend the insurance
money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you
to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or,
if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would
it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question #
3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't
call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry what
did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's
prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but
you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define
pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question #
5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter
how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would
you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not -don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then
why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes
audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures,
and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use
my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Sh&%. ------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY CHINESE PROVERBS Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind
car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing
on earth! but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband
in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build
crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who
live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in
church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Money talks chocolate sings!
